Clueless.

So much going on lately
i'm feeling like i'm losing myself
i'm feeling clueless
and i realized..
i'm not a person like what i think i was.
After what i've been through all this time
just not enough to make me mature enough, to make me strong enough.

Mentioned about maturity, well, it reminds me a little bit about an episode i watched from The Carrie Diaries show. After watching the episode that night, it made me think. (Now i have to google the quotes cause i forgot and it seems i don't have much time to re-watching it.) So, here's what i found;

Love is something we wait for.
We imagine our first kiss, our first sex, our first" I love you".
But we never imagine our first heartbreak.
Maybe because it's too painful to even imagine.
But in a way, the pain for love is what truly changes us.
It's the losing of love that makes us who we are--
The loss of a parent, of your virginity, who you thought you might be, of your innocence.
Those loss are perhaps our first steps into adulthood.
Life gets more complicated.
But it's also filled with promise and the possibility of opening your heart to new beginnings.
And new dreams, in new places.
The city was no longer a fantasy.
It was real, and I knew now I wasn't searching for something or somebody here.
I was searching for me--
Who I was, who I wanted to be.
Finding my voice wasn't gonna be easy.
But for the first time in a long time, I thought it would be fun.

---The Carrie Diaries [Season 2]

I've experienced a loss of someone i love, i knew i'm hurt but i survived.
I've lost my innocence. Heartbreaks. And i think i can go through it all till now.
It made me think that i have matured enough for my age. Then i realized, i am not. I am not there yet.
Just like what Carrie said, "Those loss are perhaps our first steps into adulthood." Well yes, It is just a FIRST STEP! There are still many moooore.

and by reading this web (because i am pretty curious about what maturity is, lol) i found:

1. A mature person is able to keep long-term commitments.
2. A mature person is unshaken by flattery or criticism.
3. A mature person possesses a spirit of humility.
4. A mature person’s decisions are based on character not feelings.
5. A mature person expresses gratitude consistently.

Aaaand guess what? I am so far from that. Soooo faarr away but at least i'm on my way.
I want to keep learning. To brace myself. Make myself stronger. I think it's a goal of my life, being mature.

And i hope it's like what Carrie said again,
"Finding my voice wasn't gonna be easy.
But for the first time in a long time, I thought it would be fun."

Xx